Sunday, July 10, 2005  

I just got around to finishing Conker: Live and Reloaded. I'm a big fan of the original Bad Fur Day, so this is a good game, but man Rare dropped the ball in many ways (yes, this is another blog where I take something that isn't all that bad and complain about it like it was the worst idea since Gizmondo).

Part of the problem is that it's five years later, and Rare is trying to pass Conker off as a current-gen game. The original Conker is a 9.5 game for me, definitely. It's not just about the movie parodies; Conker is a quite brilliant video game parody too. The entire game was Rare's rather vicious reaction to the stream of 3D platforming collectathons starring cute animal mascots that "Twelve Tails: Conker 64" was supposed to be a part of.

Thing is, I don't think the joke resonates anymore. Back then, that sort of platformer ruled the roost, especially on the N64. Now games like Tak and (sorry Gaz) Ty take a back seat. It's hard to appreciate the genre being mocked in levels like Barn Boys when it's simply not around anymore.

The gameplay is also stale in parts. Some things that cut it five years ago don't today. The latter part of the game is a shooter, and sports the full-on dual analog set-up needed for a shooting game. But the actual SHOOTING is extremely basic -- enemies don't really react to where they are shot, they're invincible for a split second after being hit, and if they get too close you've got a knife in the gut.

They've also tried to make it harder, which is a noble goal, but how they've pulled it off is lazy as hell. Rare have added this annoying new enemy that hides inside a metal shell. The shell has spikes that spring out on command. To kill it, you have to run up to it, hit it, and then run away. Now repeat it five times, because you need to hit it six times to kill it. Oh, and there's rarely just one around, so you've got to do it again, and again, and again. It's just sloppy and annoying.

Also sloppy: Loading. Load times in itself are minor. But every freaking little thing seems to prompt the LOADING... screen to come out of hiding. The most gratuitous was right at the end of the War chapter. First you have Conker and the General rambling on. Loading. Then a quick scene, less than ten seconds long, of Rodent in a crater. Loading. Then a quick scene of a couple of Tediz dying. Loading. More Tediz dying. Loading. Back to Conker and the General. The hell? Half of those cutscenes are the same length as the loading screen. What sort of payoff is that?

The weirdest thing is what they've done to Conker's multiplayer mode. On the N64 Conker had a variety of creative and really distinctive multiplayer games that just didn't work on the N64. There was Beach, where one team mans guns on a fortress trying to stop an unarmed team from getting past them. It was fresh and unique, and there was a good deal of strategy. But it's the sort of thing that doesn't work in split-screen, which is all the N64 had (how do you sneak past someone when they know perfectly well where you are?). There were also modes like Raptor, where a team of cavemen had to steal raptor eggs from under the dinosaur's noses, Race, Tank, a Resevoir Dogs-inspired bank vault Heist, and so on. They were basic fun, but the main feeling you got was how they'd totally work on a more powerful console with more players online (where nobody can see your damned screen!). Yet for some utterly bizarre reason Rare ditched that entirely and created a new multiplayer mode from scratch. I'm convinced that an entirely different team worked on this, given the total difference in style (what's with this Future War nonsense?) and form. It's also totally broken, which Patrick can tell you about better than I can.

Still, I have to give credit where it's due. Conker in single player at least is still Conker, which is a great game. Get past the bowel jokes and you'll see that it's fresh and creative, always giving you something different to do. And I have to say that my favourite chapter in the original, Spooky, has been improved the most. It's been given a total visual makeover and the difficulty has been bumped up, so bravo for that.

I can't help but think though: Conker's Bad Fur Day took a few years to make. It's taken four years from that to get to Conker Live and Reloaded. Was that really necessary? Surely they could have come up with an entirely original Conker title by now?

Posted at 9:21 AM

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Wednesday, July 06, 2005  

Because I am the sort of person who thinks mobile phone backgrounds are very important, I very quickly made up little phone-sized images of that night in Istanbul to proudly display. As I looked at the picture of Stevie G hoisting the European Cup, I remember thinking "This is probably the best background ever. I wonder what would have to happen for me to change it."

Well, yeah, we have an answer to that now.

I think the best question to ask is what the hell happened? Something isn't right here.

Midway through the season Liverpool tried to talk to Gerrard, but he said to wait until the end of the season. At the end of the season Gerrard said he wanted to stay. Now, suddenly, he's off.

On the one hand, I can see why this was all Gerrard playing Liverpool. He almost moved to Chelsea last year. He stalled during the year. And despite being famously quoted as saying "How could I ever leave after a night like this?", in other interviews and quotes Gerrard was noncommital -- "We'll sit down in the summer etc etc". He's always had his eye on a move.

On the other, this could be Liverpool's doing. Gerrard did seem keen to stay, and honestly what Liverpool fan WOULDN'T be after winning the European Cup, but it's also true that Rafa Benitez needs money to rebuild the team and the only asset worth anything is Gerrard. Rafa also balked at paying Michael Owen £100,000 a week last year and argued Liverpool would be better off without him; while it's hard to argue that from a goalscoring perspective, Rafa did deliver the European Cup. Despite the goodwill that's earnt him, publicly forcing out the man who embodies Liverpool more than anyone won't do Rafa any favours. Frustrating him and making him storm off petulantly works fine.

But what if this was neither side's plan? What if this was a genuinely bungled attempt by both sides? If so, Liverpool have screwed up bigtime. How they could go this long without tying up Gerrard is shocking. That's why I believe something else to be behind this. I just refuse to believe that they screwed up negotiations so badly that Gerrard walked away, apparently for good. Knowing that they pissed him off because they wanted to -- or Gerrard ran off because he wanted to -- makes more sense.

How do I feel? Very very torn. On the one hand, if Rafa says this is for the best, it's for the best. I have the utmost faith in Rafa Benitez, especially after winning the European Cup without Michael Owen last year. But on the other, this is Steven Gerrard. He's Liverpool's lone world class player, arguably Europe's best midfielder, period. He's been the heart of the team, and the creator of more memorable moments this season than any player in Liverpool's recent history. And it hurts the most coming after he spearheaded such a great success.

And what does it say to Liverpool's summer signings when Liverpool's world class player, the inspirational European Cup winner, is gone? Though admittedly the same argument could have been made last summer when Owen left, it leaves the European Champions looking a bit... well... like a lame duck. It's kinda like Porto last season. Yes, they were the defending European Champions and should have been treated with due respect, but let's get real -- without Mourinho, Carvalho and Deco (to name three) they were an empty shell of a team, European Champions in name only. You'd have been stupid to go to Porto last summer and it looks like you might be stupid to go to Liverpool dreaming of European glory this summer.

It also begs the question: Why? Why would he leave the European Champions for a lower payday at Chelsea? Yes, Chelsea are more likely to win -- but Liverpool have also proved themselves able to win, and as a Liverpool fan you'd figure winning anything at Liverpool would mean more than winning a few more at Chelsea (or maybe I'm just crazy like that). Alternately he could go to Real Madrid, where the situation goes from bad to worse every year. At least there you can respect his decision to play in a foreign country for one of the few teams more famous and more successful than Liverpool.

I'm not sure I like what's going on, to be honest. All I can hope for is that it's sorted out soon.

Posted at 1:43 AM

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